A Baby is Born. A Mother is Born

A Baby is Born. Julianna was born on March 28th, 2015. After 40 weeks of waiting and 37 hours of patiently trying to dilate, my doctor finally decided to perform a C-Section. I’m not sure if it was exhaustion or excitement that I felt at that particular moment. What I can say, is that I was, for some particular reason, extremely nervous. I was nervous because sense had finally hit me. I was a mother.
My skin felt different, my feelings were different, the love for my husband was different, and my thoughts were different… I felt like, at that precise moment, a mother was born.

Why was I so scared if I had been waiting for this moment my whole life? I anxiously wanted to be a mother. I desperately wanted a baby girl, and there she was, right next to me, so innocent, so fragile, and so full of life.
I think I was scared of losing my old self. Perhaps I was being selfish because I kept thinking of me. I kept reminding myself of how delicious it felt to sleep for hours on our cozy bed, of how easy it was to come and go as I pleased, and even to accomplish something so simple – getting ready. I knew matters would change. My life, my marriage, and my home. Maybe it was the numerous amounts of long hours in the hospital, which made me feel somewhat insane, but once we got home, I recognized a combination of mixed feelings of happiness, exhaustion, and some sort of disconnect with my new life. I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel the strong connection or excitement of motherhood that friends and family kept talking about. I’m sure it had something to do with waking in the middle of the night, my extremely sore nipples, the pain caused by the C-section, or the continuous confusion I had as to what to do next.

I was hopeful that we would all find our groove. My baby was gradually getting used to me and I was patiently getting used to her. Time was my only hope and therapy. Then today, 7 months later, was one of those days where I asked myself “what happened to my tiny little baby?” Maybe it’s the new sounds she’s been discovering these past weeks. Maybe it’s the way she enthusiastically “crawls” and wiggles across the room to reach her colorful basket of toys or my extended warm hands. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s about to outgrow her infant car seat. Or perhaps it’s because I realized she’s now wearing the cute pink outfit that I fell in love with and bought prior to her arrival. She is growing and changing faster than my mind can keep up with. We wake up each morning and she is considerably bigger. She is noticeably less newborn, and more baby. I wished away our first few weeks together hoping that we could find our groove. And guess what? We quickly found our groove. Here I am, 7 months later, hoping the complete opposite. I’m now wishing I could freeze time so I could take this all in. Our love bond and connection has grow so deep and strong that I love her more than life itself. I now understand the beautiful and sweet meaning of what we all call “motherhood”.

 

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