I don’t know about you, but every so often when my period is a day or 2 late, I’ll take a pregnancy test. The test is negative, and then, like magic, my period arrives a couple of days later. I think it’s my head (and heart) secretly hoping for the 2 pink lines to appear, meaning that there’s a second baby on the way. My husband and I have been on the fence about taking such a step again. We have been discussing our thoughts about having another baby and all the scary stuff associated with it. We inevitably take into consideration my age, his age, money, work, space, physical energy, and all the other usual and typical concerns. I find myself second-guessing myself sometimes, but I also find myself wondering if I’m mentally and emotionally capable of having just one child. Accepting that she’s growing quickly and the simple fact that I’ll never be able to enjoy a newborn again seems to be driving me crazy. I am surrounded by friends that are on their second and third journey through motherhood and I’m over here still trying to digest the first one.
I have to admit, our daughter was and still is an extremely easy-going baby. She truly is God sent. Now that she’s almost 1, I have begun having thoughts of expanding our family and figuring out the logistics of when it would be the perfect time. Not only do I kind of miss being pregnant, but I also know it’ll be great for my daughter to have a brother or a sister to grow up with. They’ll learn and play together, and rely on each other as the years go by. Even though this idea sounds great on paper, there are many fears attached to that as well.
Life is good right now. Actually, life is GREAT right now. We’ve pretty much gotten the groove on this parenthood gig. We’re all on schedule, well organized, and happy. Yes. Happy.
It’s inevitable for me to have the fear that all that has been possible with one child would be impossible with two. Joey and I have been able to travel, spend time together, work, and even relax while being parents. So then because of that, a whole bunch of questions began popping up in my head. Would a second child make us be constantly tired and stressed out that we’d end up taking it out on each other? Would I naturally make adjustments where they’re needed in order for us to all be well balanced? Would Julianna change the way that she is? Would we lose the strong bond that we’ve had since she was born? Would it be complete chaos in our house? The last thing I would want to do is be so busy all the time that I’ll forget to notice what’s really happening.
I get extremely sentimental when I think about how special my alone time with my daughter is. How precious and how valuable she has been for being “my first”. Is it selfish of me to think that way? Without a doubt I know I’ll love my second child as much and as deeply as I love my first, I’m just scared that the way I love will change. I can actually already see myself being obsessed with spending “alone time” with my daughter trying to literally breathe her in before the second one arrives. People say that you don’t just have “space” in your heart for more than one child, but that your heart actually grows with each baby. So this is reassuring.
With that being said, I can’t help but think that if it isn’t now, then when is it the perfect time to start trying for the second baby? This thought brings me around all the positive reasons why we should do it and why it should be soon. First of all, I can already foresee that giving birth would be much easier. We would already know what to expect, so the anxiety wouldn’t be killing us days or hours before it. I would be ready.
Having a second child seems like it would be easier because I am now a master in sleep training. Even though it took me 6 months to figure it out, I GOT IT! I still wish every single day I would’ve trained my daughter earlier.
Another reason is that I know my daughter would be an awesome big sister. I am positive that the relationship and bond that they’ll have will be one of a kind and it’ll make me fall in love with them, their interactions, and my decision of why I chose to have a second child. She has so much love to give and we all know it. Watching Julianna have somebody to play with, fight with, laugh with, get in trouble with, and just simply be with will definitely make my heart melt. It would actually bring so much joy and happiness to my life because if something were to happen to us, I’ll be in peace knowing she’s not alone.
Regardless of the fears that haunt me, deep inside, I know that life will continue to run smoothly. I now know how to be a mom and I know that Joey knows how to be a dad. I have also realized that I’m aware of a lot of things I didn’t know the first time around. This gives me the confidence to convince myself that everything will be just fine. I continue to tell myself that I’ll be perfect at it and that I’m more than capable of being extraordinary when asked to rise to the challenge of parenting two people that will completely own my heart. And you know what? I truly believe it.